Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for historical society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.

"It is going to be large. Large!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed from the Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Several of the best. But now, we're creating them with balconies."

Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and totally out of location. Developed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:

A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")

Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have A different location exactly where American men can put on robes and phone it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, naturally."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While earlier negotiations unsuccessful less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: offer you everyone a set around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

In keeping with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This can be delicate electrical power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and even more minibar updates."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It's that he need to prevent making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the job, replied, "You are aware of, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Great individuals. Great tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."

Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping types an enormous Trump head seen from House, a attribute staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and also the chin is… effectively, labeled.

Environmental groups have filed lawsuits soon after locating the constructing's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.

"It really is not simply unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Functions

Perhaps the strangest element of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium where by attendees may well ponder imprecise disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local climate Command set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.

Nearby Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing Method: "If You Bomb It, They may Arrive"

The advertisement marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Forever."

One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:

"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge displays:

34% say "it would stabilize the realm"

29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% said "wherever's the nearest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"

Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"

The project is already attracting attention from Intercontinental investors, such as:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll purchase three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage may even include:

A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Home Based upon the Iraq War

Remark Portion Chaos

Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can not wait around to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"At last, a lodge where my PTSD can have flip-down provider."

A different write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Outcome

U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Experiences counsel:

China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Trump Tower Damascus Vatican has gotten included. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."

Final Ideas through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside of a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus wanted hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave it all 3. You are welcome."